Welcome to the World of Our Four Fantastic Pigs

Bread and Circuses

on February 25, 2014

What did Cesar do to pacify the Roman mob? He provided them with food and entertainment. Apparently, Mom’s approach to parenting during this last stretch with Dad out-of-town is not that different. With two months of single parenting down and one month to go, Mom said that her tolerance sponge is saturated with craziness. It cannot soak up any more. Since she’s officially run out of patience, she’s attempting to keep us fed and entertained in slightly unusual ways. Unusual for us, that is.

For example, we had popcorn for dinner last night. Sure, it turned into our appetizer and we ate a ton of pasta and sweet potatoes afterward. But you can’t tell me that she knew we’d eat all that after popcorn. Can you? And though Mom’s idea of “Bread and Circuses” is a little more expansive, we think that she’s really lowered the bar. We’re good with the popcorn. But she’s been throwing a lot of cereal and sandwiches and pita chips at us. Notice there’s nothing on that list that’s hot or that requires cooking. Alright, we all know that Dad is the cook, but can she at least give it the old college try? For God’s sake, we ate ice cream for breakfast this morning. Followed by waffles and eggs. But we still ice cream before 9am. Is that even legal?

We’ve also been spending more time with our Nook e-readers. Mom justifies this by telling us that we are learning to read. Which, I guess, is strictly true. We’ve all learned a ton of sight words. And we do love a good book. But it is screen time. And everyone knows what the doctors say about screen time. Plus, not everything on the Nook is a book. There are games too, like puzzles and memory. Sure, we might be learning some problem solving and matching skills, but again–screen time. We still only watch about one hour of television a day, but it seems clear to us that Mom doesn’t really understand the full definition of screen time. Only in the loosest sense is she following the doctor’s rules.

The most glaring infraction is with Asher. Mom has these little talks with Asher. Telling him stuff like, if you don’t go to sleep now I’m going to expose you on a mountainside. Sure, he’s stopped sleeping through the night, sometimes waking three or four times, and he’s also taken to screaming when he’s angry. While its true that we all agree that someone sneaked into the house in the middle of the night and replaced our always happy baby with a sometimes-evil doppelganger. But should Mom really be telling our baby that? Ok, so its clear that Asher either doesn’t believe her threat or thinks that he’s strong enough to survive the elements. Riley was there once when she told him she was on the verge of letting him sleep outside, and–no joke–Asher smiled and laughed an evil genius laugh. All he was missing was a long-haired cat to stroke. Her talks with Asher are a slippery slope. One day its verbal threats, and the next she’ll be dangling him upside-down over the side of a ten story balcony. In the blink-of-an-eye she’ll turn into a blockbuster movie villian. It could happen.

Anyway, it is very clear that Mom’s parenting is now in triage mode. Only those with a severed femoral artery get a band aid. The rest can rub some dirt on it and get back out there. We aren’t sure how much longer we’ll last. We are all hoping that Dad comes home soon. Please, pray for us.

The Pigs


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